The Closet Moderate: Keep Your Government Hands Off My Medicare Testicles

Monday, November 22, 2010

Keep Your Government Hands Off My Medicare Testicles

If you want a vision of the future, imagine a latex glove gently palpitating a pair of human testicles – forever.
I think the greatest indictment of this program is that the federal government now employs a cadre of people whose full-time job is to grope the genitals of their fellow citizens. That fact amounts to another example of liberals allowing conservatives to have it both ways. These invasive search procedures are a validation of the sort of security kabuki--instituted by Republicans--that's made air travel a nightmare. Beyond that, the institution of these rules under President Obama allows conservatives to gesture the guys who get to know the mean bean machine a little too well as a talking point when attacking, say, social security; they can be a straw man for government incompetence generally. Finally, the fact that this program disproportionately affects members of the chattering class means we're sure to hear a lot about it--Arianna Huffington, Drapes and Carpet Edition. (If that made it onto the Huffington Post as a slideshow, it'd say something important about the world we live in.)

For all that, I urge everyone to undergo the alternate pat down rather than proceed through the scanners. By opting into the groping, you're saying that a government determined to erode privacy ought to have the balls* to do so overtly: jackbooted thugs, not poindexters using national security letters to access my phone records. Also, you get to share an intimate moment with another American, rather than joining the local art installation, "Gnarliest Dicks," in the break room. Under the best conditions, you'll be able to make eye-contact with this fine, five-fingered fellow and whisper, huskily, "you can't take it with you." Plus, if you've every wanted to sexually harass someone, this is the moment to do so. She is, in point of fact, asking for it. In that context, remarks like, "nice cans" are a sort of friendly hello, not an attempt to break professional ethics. It's also the time to postulate the existence of testicular superpowers: "if it would make this go faster, I could have lefty slither down an inch an expand for ya'."

You're both entering a new, uncharted realm of human contact. It's your job to set the course, manufacture obstacles and strange new life for them to encounter. You have become the GM of their trip to hairy hills and squish valley, don't let TSR play second fiddle to the TSA.

*You see what I did there?


Silent Cal said...

It begins...

Silent Cal said...

If I fly again while these rules are in effect, I may not get butt nekkid, but I will wear the gross guy strip club gear, to wit: sweat pants and no underwear.