The Closet Moderate: The Hazards of Vice-Presidential Time Travel

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Hazards of Vice-Presidential Time Travel

Senators brace for the arrival of Biden_1
Vice President Joe Biden on the need for the U.S. not to overplay its hand with Moscow:
It is never smart to embarrass an individual or a country when they're dealing with significant loss of face. My dad used to put it another way: Never put another man in a corner where the only way out is over you. It just is not smart.
Vice President Joe Biden on domestic difficulties that are affecting Russian foreign policy:
The reality is the Russians are where they are. They have a shrinking population base, they have a withering economy, they have a banking sector and structure that is not likely to be able to withstand the next 15 years, they're in a situation where the world is changing before them and they're clinging to something in the past that is not sustainable.
I want to stress that these are quotes from the same WSJ interview, presented in reverse chronological order.

To me, this interview suggests that the moment we invent time travel our first priority should be to keep that technology away from Joe Biden. The only alternative is to accept a reality in which every moment of gaffe-prone Biden-space is filled with future Joe Biden arriving through a temporal hole to tackle past Joe Biden before he can commit a gaffe.

In extreme cases, the cross-temporal tackling may prove to be a gaffe in and of itself, and necessitate stacking distimed Biden interventions several deep: Biden_0 is about to make a gaffe, but Biden_1 arrives from the future to tackle him. Unfortunately, this act produces its own regrettable consequences, and thus Biden_2 is forced to travel back to time 0 in order to stop Biden_1 before he can make the situation worse. Eventually, we'd have to set up a government agency a la Men in Black for the sole purpose of regulating Bidennic irregularities in the timestream.

Our own present can barely handle the negative externalities associated with a single Joe Biden--we dare not inflict more than one on it.

[Photo: Sen. Joe Biden speaks while Sen. Patrick Leahy braces for the imminent arrival of Biden_1.]

h/t: Drezner

1 comment:

Kate Horowitz said...

I don't know, I think if we could convince Joe Biden to drive a car at 88 miles an hour some great things could happen. We didn't really need that clock tower anyway.

Love this.
k