The Closet Moderate: Ask The Tims: The Herpes Happening

Monday, November 17, 2008

Ask The Tims: The Herpes Happening

Dear The Tims,

I have just met the most unbelievable man and have fallen completely in love. On our second date, he told me that he caught genital herpes in college. (He married the woman who gave it to him, and they have divorced.) At first, I was shocked and considered writing him off, but the more I thought about it, the more I didn't know what to do. I kept in contact with him, and every time we spoke or saw each other, I knew this was someone I wanted in my life. We have decided to hold off on being "completely intimate" with each other until the time is right. My concern is that the time may never be right. I truly love him and would never want to hurt him. Please help.

- Helpless

Dear Helpless,

Girl, please. I think he should get laid for being honest. I mean, shit. When you say "completely intimate," do you mean hitting that dick without preconditions? Because there's the crazy old man around my neighborhood right now going off about pre-conditions and a nuclear Iran, while occasionally sputtering out something about Hanoi... anyway, if anyone's lost their dad, please come pick him up in Berkeley. Back to the case at hand...

When you say "completely intimate," do you mean unprotected sex? Because if you have "fallen completely in love," as you say, having sex with him wearing a condom is the very definition of "acceptable risk." Yes, eventually you'll want to have unprotected sex, but by then they'll have some sort of laser that you can shove up your nose to cure all illnesses, and you'll have nothing to worry about. However, if, in fact, you decide to hit it raw dog, and shortly afterward, either of you decide to bail, you will be stuck with some extra luggage.

So yeah, I don't know.

- Tim

Dear Helpless,

Yes, unbelievable sounds about right. He certainly did not marry the woman who gave it to him. If he knew who gave him herpes, he would have beaten her ass, not married her. The woman in question was most likely a hooker from his Spring Break trip to Tijuana or some sorority skank he boned in a forgettable night of sloppy, clumsy drunken sex.

He does deserve some credit for telling you about his herpes on the second date. But that makes me question you. I doubt this came up over a fried mozzarella appetizer at Appleby's. I'm guessing he told you this in now regrettable fit of honestly in a moment of passion. Way to hold off until the second date, whore. Now instead of getting in your pants, he has to suffer and wait as a reward for his honesty.

If he is really that special and you "truly love him," just make him wrap it. I mean come on, were you going to let him go bareback right away anyway? Just avoid sex during outbreaks. Whore.

- Tim

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