The Closet Moderate: A Modest Proposal

Sunday, September 14, 2008

A Modest Proposal

We have a teaching crisis in America. Public school teachers are underpaid but receive a great deal of job security in exchange; naturally, then, people who think they need job security end up becoming teachers, and one reason people think they need job security is because they know themselves to be poor workers. Thus, you end up with lots of low-quality teachers, which is bad in and of itself, but also means that public school teachers tend to be held in low regard as a profession, which further discourages high-ability people from becoming teachers and further lowers the quality of the profession as well as the regard in which teachers are held.

There are a couple possible solutions. Some namby-pamby types suggest we should weaken the teacher's unions and institute merit pay; others want to bring prestige back to the profession through organizations like Teach For America, which use a highly competitive selection process (this bloggard was rejected in his bid to enlighten the children of Las Vegas about prime numbers) to allow high-ability teachers to easily distinguish themselves from the low-ability herd; no one, to my knowledge, has suggested that we rerestrict women's occupational choices, forcing Meg Whitman, Hillary Clinton, and Venus Williams back into the classroom to use their powers to teach our children how to not eat paste, but that would probably work too.

I, however, propose a bolder solution. What we should do is start paying teachers more based on the size of their penises, maybe something on the order of 1000 dollars per year per inch. This will attract men with big dicks to the teaching profession, especially since large penises are not generally a characteristic you can get paid for (outside of a few obvious routes), and it will also attract men without large penises, since people will expect that teachers have large penises and men generally enjoy being perceived to have large penises. While this will not exactly restore "prestige" to the profession, it will increase the number of applicants for teaching jobs, allowing schools to hire generally higher-quality teachers.

Actually, this woud probably be best instituted as a quota or a penis-length average, since that would be cheaper, and would remove the perverse incentive for schools to hire applicants with small penises under the subsidy.

At any rate, I think this would handily solve our educational problems in America, while promoting the traditional American values of rugged individualism and large wangs.

- Generally, subsidies and taxes work better than quotas. What makes a quota better in this case?
- What other professions could benefit from a penis-length subsidy?
- What characteristics, besides penis-length, could we subsidize for a similar benefit? Such a characteristic must be valuable to be perceived to have but non-monetizable, and casually unobservable but quantifiable and measureable.


Fake Steve Hawking said...

I like this plan.

Also, how about calling teachers "Professor"?


Silent Cal said...

Sounds like a plan. Another idea would be to encourage people with small wangs to be investment bankers.

Oh, wait.