For godsakes, stop touching your heads!

People have come up with many reasons for the economic catastrophe of late: poor government oversight, greedy investors, deceitful home buyers, wrath of God. But I have another theory - excessive head-touching by stock traders. I submit for your consideration:

I think we need to act quickly here and require that all traders to keep their hands and arms below their shoulders at all times. Perhaps a hands-in-pockets policy might be prudent for the rest of the week. Alternatively, we could insist that all traders smile, cheer and pump their fists, which seems to cause dramatic upswings in the relevant stock indices.