The Closet Moderate: Ask the Tims: The Handcuff Kerfuffle

Friday, September 19, 2008

Ask the Tims: The Handcuff Kerfuffle

Dear Tims,
My daughter was home for spring break and her somewhat older boyfriend came to visit for the first time. After he left, I found two pair of handcuffs next to where his luggage had been in the living room—obviously left behind. This man is not a policeman. While he seemed to treat my daughter well, I'm not sure what to do with these items, and the incident has left me with rather unpleasant feelings toward him. Do I send him a note thanking him for the interesting hostess gift? He is British, but I don't think their customs are that different. Do I mail them with a note: "I believe you left these behind?" Do I throw them out? I'm somewhat at a loss here. What would The Tims do?

—Nervous Mom

Dear Nervous Mom,
Asking your daughter if she left her bondage gear at your home accidentally is not worth the embarrassment it would cause to either of you. Seriously. She'll buy new handcuffs. They're cheap. However, this is not the crux of the issue.

Your daughter obviously has a healthier sex life than you. This presents an opportunity for you to relate to your child, whilst spicing up your own life. Why throw out a perfectly good pair of handcuffs? Put them to use! If these are the kind with comfortable fuzzy covers to prevent chaffing, I recommend removing the covers, hand-washing them in Woolite (or similar detergent suitable for delicates) hanging to dry, and enjoy!

If these handcuffs are without delightful fuzzy covers, I suggest you make some. I have found them to be quite easy to knit or crochet! First timers should not try the cuffs without some padding, but hopefully as you get more comfortable, you won't need it at all.

- Tim

Dear Nervous Mom,
What makes you so certain they were his? You don’t mention whether you let them stay in the same room or not. Regardless, I’m sure they were making good use of those handcuffs every time you went to work or ran out to the store so you could make them yummy blueberry pancakes.

Let’s face it. You mentioned he is “somewhat older.” Since you did not mention what your husband thought, it is safe to assume your daughter grew up without an adult male in her life. She is clearly seeking a father figure to make up for what she lacked in her childhood. I blame you for this. If you don’t know how to deal with the handcuffs in this situation, chances are, the unlucky guy who inseminated you only made that mistake once and avoided another boring night with you.

Long before she desperately sought approval from this older man as he handcuffed her to the bed she grew up in, surrounded by her teddy bears and Backstreet Boys posters while you were at church, I’m sure you’ve written to a number of advice columns, seeking the wisdom to deal with the problems you caused. I can see it now, “Dear Abby, my daughter won’t eat,” “Dear Ann Landers, my daughter has these mysterious cuts on her arms,” “Dear Miss Manners, how do convince my daughter that calling her mother a ‘lonely, pathetic bitch’ is impolite?”

Now, to answer your question, simply throw them out. Neither of you want to deal with the awkward situation involved in returning them. They can easily purchase a new pair.

- Tim

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